The feeling I had when I landed in Sydney wasn’t what I expected.
Normally when I land in a new place no matter how tired I am, I’m ecstatic to be there. Happy, excited, ready to walk around and grab a drink or food and meet the people. I expected that feeling to be heightened times 100 when I landed in my absolute dream destination since I was ten.
It didn’t happen.
The feeling was almost sad and tired and annoyed that I had to walk around to get food. It was a serious internal feeling of WHY. Why am I feeling like this and why can’t I snap out of it? Did I put too much expectation on something?
I know it had a lot to do with the flight over. We were completely skrewed over and over on our Jet Star flight where I found myself angry almost the whole flight. I couldn’t shake it. I wrote bad reviews and letters to send later – I posted Instagram posts tagging the airline so they can see what a crap job they were doing. I let it affect my arrival in Australia. I knew I just needed to go to bed and wake up to a different day to start over.
Waking up I was energized, excited and couldn’t wait to get out of the hotel and look around on our 24-hour layover in Austalia (I know, what a tease – right??).
Within a three minute walk out of the hotel, I saw a street called Sarah street. I’ve never seen a Sarah street in my life. And besides the literal sign that it was, I took it as a sign. It welcomed me into Sydney. The accents are wonderful. The people dress smart. They say hello as you walk past and if they don’t say hi they smile. I loved it already and the crap feeling I had the day when we landed, had been shaken.
We took a photo on the pier and some baggage claim tickets fell from Guy’s pocket. A construction worker ran after us making sure we didn’t need those papers. Which we did. He didn’t need to do that. In fact, I can’t think of a single instance a construction worker in California would stop what they are doing to make sure we didn’t need these tiny papers that fell from a pocket.
When I saw the opera house, and even thinking about it now, I get teary eyed. I can not believe I am here. And I can’t believe how much like home it feels. I get this feeling often when I land and I think to myself “I could live here” but this is a real place, I can see myself and almost feel like I should be here and I finally made my way over to find that out for myself. It felt good.
I don’t have many dream destinations. If you asked me where would you want to go now? I really don’t care where because I love the idea of it all. I await wonderful suggestions from trustworthy people of where I should go next. I’ve always done that. But I always knew I’d take myself to Australia. I just never knew when. It’s far from California, ya know?
Anyway, the tired and nonexcited feeling I had when I landed was gone. I didn’t build it up too much, I’m allowed to be tired and not fall in love right away.
I’ve seen a tiny fraction of this place and I can’t wait to come back and experience it all as a new lifestyle. Or not. As we never know where life will take us, and I’m not pushing my life in one direction or another as a force. I go where the wind takes me these days. Where it feels good. Where it feels like home. And in turn, it becomes home.
I don’t feel like I have much a home back “home”. My family is a mess, my friends love me but do they really even care. Like oh, that’s just Sarah doing her thing again. I can feel very alone at times. Travel life can be lonely, but I made it this way. So I’m not complaining (but I’m allowed to feel vulnerable and talk about it not always being perfect, right?)
I hope one day to turn it around and have a place to feel more like home where I can settle down. Don’t get me wrong, I love my new travel life – LOVE it – and I’m soaking up every minute of it.
I manifested this to a T and I plan to do it as long as I can, but then I do the thing everyone tells you you aren’t supposed to do and I compare myself to others – others with thriving careers and growing families and I want that too. But you really cannot have everything, at least not all at once.
I’m more than okay with what stage of life I am at and I know my path will lead me where I am supposed to be and that I can’t rush or force anything.
I’m traveling to find myself. To find where I want to settle down with my life. To learn the deep dark parts about myself that only surface when I am out of my comfort zone. There’s only one way I’ve found so far to be able to do that, and it’s by doing exactly what I am doing – being scared, vulnerable and uncomfortable all while having enough time to reflect on it all.
Forever finding out where this journey is taking me.